Most nights, I have Luke on my hip as we make our rounds into each of the 3 bigger kids rooms to say good night and pray with them. His low tolerance for holding still unless asleep makes these times last just a few minutes. However, tonight, Luke was asleep before the other children, which allowed me some extra snuggle time with each of the kids. What a blessing!
Jordan told me that I was the best Mommy in the world (she tells me this many times a day-not a title that I deserve most of the time, but it's our thing). She tells me how I am the best Mommy in the world, and I tell her that she is the best daughter in the world. A benefit of being the only girl in our family! I prayed for her as she fell asleep, and it was wonderful.
Next was Drew. At first, he told me a joke that he claimed he made up. "Why did the bugger get aten? Because it was a HAMbugger!" :) Then, he talked alot more, asking questions that I am always amazed at. First, came the questions about his age and Eli's age and how he won't ever be older than him. We talked about how he and Jordan will always be the same age, and he said, "and Brady too." Yes, he is not a baby anymore! He is a 4 and a half year old in Heaven. Then he asked where his gravestone is and why. I explain that Daddy and I chose to have his gravestone in Indiana, where we are both from, and where our grandparents are also buried. His questions were so sincere, and full of curiosity. It wasn't a sad conversation. He was just trying to understand it all. "How are gravestones made?" "So, did Brady die there?" "Why did you bury him there?" "How did he get there?" Now, this part is trickier for me. Cremation came up the other day, and it is hard to explain to 4 and 6 year olds that bodies are burned and turn into ashes. With their vivid imaginations, we really tried to explain it without focusing too much on the whole process. Then, like that, he moved on and started talking about the sticker on his wall...
But, one more question came up after many minutes of silence. It was actually a statement, and it touched my heart profoundly because it was a moment in time that I had forgotten about until tonight. He said, "Mommy, I remember when you were crying." I asked him to tell me what he remembered, and he said, "It was in Oklahoma." I began racking my brain, and finally remembered a night after the kids had been in bed awhile, and he came into my bedroom and I was crying. Not the soft, gentle tears, but the big sobs of just needing to release my emotions. Sobs that I couldn't just turn off quickly. And so, I cried, and talked to him about it. Tonight, I asked if he remembered why I was crying, and he replied, "because you missed Daddy. And I told you just to call him. You can just Facetime him.... I missed him too." These words just melted my heart. We can try to teach our kids so many things, but that moment of sharing made such an impact on him that he recalled it out of the blue a year later. My kids don't see me cry alot, not because I try to hide it from them, but I have never been a big crier. And when I do cry, it tends to be during my alone moments with God, when I am hurting and healling all at the same time; processing all that we call life, and of course, death that comes to us all.
Now, by the time I made it to Eli's room, he was almost asleep, but he shifted and put our foreheads together as I snuggled in next to him. I prayed for him too, as I do every night, and was reminded of how little these people really are. I think of them as so big because of my experience as their Mommy, but at the young ages of 6 and 4, they have so much life yet to experience. In fact, the child development courses will tell you that they still use more magical thinking than logical thinking at these ages (which may explain alot about some choices they make, so pause and let that sink in if you are a parent of this age group)!
We pause alot in this house and "take it in". It's natural to do so when you have stared death in the face twice with your children. But, we still are normal, busy people, who have long to do lists that never seem to get done, and days that go by too fast. As I type, I have dishes and laundry waiting on me! Tonight was just what I needed to renew my soul. I pray that you have a moment soon when you are able to pause, and renew your soul too. Good night my friends, and have a happy tomorrow.
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