Crying and Dying...Bedtime Snuggle Topics at Our House

Most nights, I have Luke on my hip as we make our rounds into each of the 3 bigger kids rooms to say good night and pray with them.  His low tolerance for holding still unless asleep makes these times last just a few minutes.  However, tonight, Luke was asleep before the other children, which allowed me some extra snuggle time with each of the kids.  What a blessing!

Jordan told me that I was the best Mommy in the world (she tells me this many times a day-not a title that I deserve most of the time, but it's our thing).  She tells me how I am the best Mommy in the world, and I tell her that she is the best daughter in the world.  A benefit of being the only girl in our family!  I prayed for her as she fell asleep, and it was wonderful.

Next was Drew.  At first, he told me a joke that he claimed he made up. "Why did the bugger get aten?  Because it was a HAMbugger!" :)  Then, he talked alot more, asking questions that I am always amazed at.  First, came the questions about his age and Eli's age and how he won't ever be older than him.  We talked about how he and Jordan will always be the same age, and he said, "and Brady too."  Yes, he is not a baby anymore!  He is a 4 and a half year old in Heaven.  Then he asked where his gravestone is and why.  I explain that Daddy and I chose to have his gravestone in Indiana, where we are both from, and where our grandparents are also buried.  His questions were so sincere, and full of curiosity.  It wasn't a sad conversation.  He was just trying to understand it all.  "How are gravestones made?"   "So, did Brady die there?"  "Why did you bury him there?"  "How did he get there?"  Now, this part is trickier for me.  Cremation came up the other day, and it is hard to explain to 4 and 6 year olds that bodies are burned and turn into ashes.  With their vivid imaginations, we really tried to explain it without focusing too much on the whole process.  Then, like that, he moved on and started talking about the sticker on his wall...

But, one more question came up after many minutes of silence.  It was actually a statement, and it touched my heart profoundly because it was a moment in time that I had forgotten about until tonight.  He said, "Mommy, I remember when you were crying."  I asked him to tell me what he remembered, and he said, "It was in Oklahoma."  I began racking my brain, and finally remembered a night after the kids had been in bed awhile, and he came into my bedroom and I was crying.  Not the soft, gentle tears, but the big sobs of just needing to release my emotions.  Sobs that I couldn't just turn off quickly.  And so, I cried, and talked to him about it.  Tonight, I asked if he remembered why I was crying, and he replied, "because you missed Daddy. And I told you just to call him.  You can just Facetime him.... I missed him too."  These words just melted my heart.  We can try to teach our kids so many things, but that moment of sharing made such an impact on him that he recalled it out of the blue a year later.  My kids don't see me cry alot, not because I try to hide it from them, but I have never been a big crier.  And when I do cry, it tends to be during my alone moments with God, when I am hurting and healling all at the same time; processing all that we call life, and of course, death that comes to us all.

Now, by the time I made it to Eli's room, he was almost asleep, but he shifted and put our foreheads together as I snuggled in next to him.  I prayed for him too, as I do every night, and was reminded of how little these people really are.  I think of them as so big because of my experience as their Mommy, but at the young ages of 6 and 4, they have so much life yet to experience.  In fact, the child development courses will tell you that they still use more magical thinking than logical thinking at these ages (which may explain alot about some choices they make, so pause and let that sink in if you are a parent of this age group)! 

We pause alot in this house and "take it in".  It's natural to do so when you have stared death in the face twice with your children.  But, we still are normal, busy people, who have long to do lists that never seem to get done, and days that go by too fast.  As I type, I have dishes and laundry waiting on me!  Tonight was just what I needed to renew my soul.  I pray that you have a moment soon when you are able to pause, and renew your soul too.  Good night my friends, and have a happy tomorrow.

One year later...Luke

It was a year ago today that Luke was discharged from the hospital (for the 2nd time), and began his road to recovery at home once again. January 17th was my Grandpa Jordan's birthday, and I can't help but think he helped us get discharged on this day to help me be at ease with taking Luke home again. God worked miracles people-not just by saving Luke's life, but by helping me have peace and confidence to care for him outside those hospital walls, where he was being watched by multiple medical professionals and there were machines that he could be hooked up to if he needed them. There were other people who knew signs of distress and could do CPR on him if he needed it; other people who went to school for years and were responsible for saving lives on a daily basis.  

Outside those walls, it all fell back onto my shoulders and it was scary. Andy was home, but not for long. He had to go back to training in Texas. Then I would be all alone with 4 kids. Luke came home on 3 monitors, on full-time oxygen, and was weaning off of 3 narcotics, so we had to deal with withdrawal too. I was scared.  Oh, and did I mention that I was going back to our house where I found him cold, blue and lifeless? Where I gave him CPR for so long that at one point, I stopped and looked at my mom and screamed, "Where are they (the ambulance)?! I don't want to do this anymore!" I was definitely scared. 

But, what I want to share is that GOD WAS THERE. I felt His presence as I did CPR. I felt His presence at the hospital, and each day he put people in my path to help me have peace again. He reminded me to give all my fear and worries to Him, and I did. I don't know how anyone can go through such trauma and not lean on God. He made sure that on the day of discharge, I was confident and knew the ins and outs of Luke's care. He made sure I was rested and healthy, and that I was done with that tiny hospital room with the recliner as a bed, and nurses who were busy and monitors that were annoying. He gently led me step by step back to being the me I was meant to be. 

I am not going to lie. Those first weeks home were tough. Luke was inconsolable a lot of the time. Just changing his diaper would send him into a crying fit that lasted hours. He wouldn't let me sit, so I stood and bounced him for hours at a time, standing in one spot because of all his monitors and oxygen tubes/wiring. Our biggest challenge was making sure he ate enough calories each day, and kept up with his medicines. It was rough, but we made it through. God gave us an amazing family, and friends, who selflessly helped in any way they could. I remind myself of how far we have come in this last year, and I pray daily for those still in situations like ours. 

Today, Luke played in the kitchen cabinets while I made meals and did dishes. He pushed his walking toy around our home chasing his siblings, and threw food off of his high chair tray to say he was done with lunch. He danced to any music he heard, and folded his hands to pray at least 100 times (it's his thing right now). He laughed as Andy played peek-a-boo with him, and he is snuggled in my arms as I type all of this. We are so humbled, grateful and ecstatic that God gave us this gift, not once, but twice. He is our miracle. He is God's miracle. Praise to Him always.